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23rd Channel

The TV is my shepherd,

My spiritual growth shall want,

It makes me to sit down,

And do nothing for His Name’s sake,

It requires all my precious time,

It keeps me from not knowing Jesus Christ,

It produces so many good shows that I must see,

It restores my knowledge of the world,

It keeps me from studying the Word.

It leads me in the path of spiritual failure,

It develops the losers in the kingdom of God,

Yes, though I live to be hundred years old,

I shall watch my TV as long as it works,

It seems to be my closest companion,

Its sounds and picture, they comfort me,

It provides entertainment for me,

And keeps me from doing the essentials,

It fills my head with human and satanic viewpoint,

Yea, because of the wasted hours,

There will be lack rewards at Bema,

Yea, because of His goodness and mercy,

I shall also dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Sleeping in Church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the pastor decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And those who would like to find a place in hell, PLEASE STAND UP!"

The weary man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, pastor, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"

Ways To Survive A Dull Sermon

• Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
• See if a yawn really is contagious
• Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister.
• Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
• Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
• Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
• Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
• Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
• Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
• Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
• Try to raise one eyebrow.
• Think about your chin for an entire minute.
• Twiddle your thumbs.
• Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Sleep Inducing Sermon Benefit

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.

The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly.

After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts.

That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.

"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"

The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered "yes."

"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."

The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"

His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

Preacher's One Wish

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and headed to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "oh, Lord, "the preacher prayed, "I'm sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, bless this food which I am about to receive...."

The Fundamentalist Dog

A 'fundamentalist' Christian couple felt it was important to own an equally 'fundamentalist' Christian dog. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in the particular breed they were looking for, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look-up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast; using his paws with great dexterity. It turns out the dog had been previously owned by a 'fundamentalist' minister. They were so impressed they purchased the dog, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new 'fundamentalist' dog and his great skills; they called in the dog to show him off a little.

There friends were impressed too, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" dog tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "H-E-L-L!"

Quick as a flash, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

Addendum (from Sky Pup) -- dogs aren't taught spelling. Humans!!!

Procrastinator's Creed

(You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time)

• I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
• I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
• I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury   I could expect to receive from missing them.
• I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
• I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
• If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
• I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
• I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
• I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.  Source: The Flush(tm), (www.funinmichigan.com/index.htm) -- from 'WIT and WISDOM'

You're late!

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.  Author Unknown

The Perfect Church

If you should find the perfect church

Without one fault or smear,

For goodness sake! Don't join that church;

You'd spoil the atmosphere.

If you should find the perfect church

Where all anxieties cease

Then pass it by, lest joining it

You'd mar the masterpiece.

If you should find the perfect church

Then don't you ever dare,

To tread upon such holy ground;

You'd be a misfit there.

But since no perfect church exists

Made of imperfect men,

Then let's cease looking for that church

And love the church we're in.

Of course, it's not a perfect church,

That's simple to discern

But you and I and all of us

Could cause the tide to turn.

What fools we are to flee our post

In that unfruitful search

To find at last where problems loom

God proudly builds His church.

So let's keep working in our church

Until the resurrection.

And then we each will join that church

Without an imperfection.

From Mavis Williams -- from Aiken Drum

How to Get Rid of Your Preacher

Steps to Get Rid of Your Preacher . . . .

1.      Look him straight in the eye and say "Amen" once in awhile. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.

2.      Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.

3.      Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.

4.      Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.

5.      Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands. Source: Frank's Daily Chuckles

Signs You're in for a Long Sermon

• There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
• There are pillows in the pews.
• You overhear the pastor telling the sound-man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
• The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
• The preacher has brought a couple of dozen books to the pulpit.
• The preacher brought his laptop to the pulpit with an extra battery.
• The preacher breaks for an intermission.
• The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
• When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he brought a disk rack.
• The deacons are furnished with La-Z-Boys.
• Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
• The deacons brought a generator when there is no power failure annoucement.
• The have provided the senior citizens with adult diapers. (from John Waters)

Missionaries

You know you've been a missionary too long if....

• You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
• You read National Geographic and recognize someone.
• You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
• You consider a city 500 km away to be "very close".
• You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.
• You can cut grass with a machete, but can't start a lawnmower.
• You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
• You read the international section before the comics.
• You have friends from or in 29 different countries. You sort your friends by continent.
• Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal to you.
• You refer to gravel roads as highways.
• You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
•  You don't think that two hours is a long sermon.
• You marvel at the cleanliness of gas station bathrooms.
• You think you've died and gone to heaven when you go into a foreign grocery store.
• You think a "foreign school" conducts classes in English.
•  You attend a church with a roof on it and feel like you are cut off from Heaven.
• You think something is missing if you have a meal without brown beans or brown rice.
• You've ever chiseled open a barrel from home, not having a clue what might be inside. Alan Smith, Boone (Boone, NC) -- from Keith Todd

   

  J. R. Cherreguine Bible Doctrine Ministries